For the Last Time and New Beginnings

I was very fortunate to be a  stay-at-home mom for 15 years. I was able to take my kids to their activities and spend a lot of quality time with them. We had a lot of fun and I was able to be involved in their lives. Their life became my life. Having said that, being a  stay-at-home mom is not always easy. It is actually extremely difficult. It is filled with lots of crying, frustration, anger, guilt, and sadness, but also, lots of joy, happiness and gratitude. 

For the last 15 years, I made lunches for school, snacks when my kids got home, arranged play dates, woke them in the morning, washed their uniforms, and sat with them while they did their homework. As they got older, I made late night drives to pick them up at friends’ houses.

This year is my younger daughter Emily’s senior year in high school. It is the year of “lasts”. It is the last first day of school. It is the last time our family will be a unit of 4 living under the same roof.  It was the last soccer game and the last track meet. It will be the last time she will leave to go to school in the morning.

Last week, we took pictures before my daughter went to the prom and I was with a number of parents who were complaining how they are so relieved that they don’t have to make lunches anymore. Well last week, I made the last lunch. As I put the butter on the bread and wrapped it up, I went a little slower. I did not rush. I took my time and just couldn’t believe it was the last lunch. For some reason I did not cry. I think I was kind of in shock that it was all over. No more lunches to make. I became immediately aware of my nervous system, which seemed to be a little dysregulated. So, I connect to my breath. I let the breath help me stay in the feeling and process it. The breath becomes my anchor.

In a few weeks, Emily will graduate and I will celebrate with her. A few months after that she will be leaving for college. Even though she will be back for Christmas and the summer for a few years, it still won’t be the same. 

Emily is a lot of fun to have around. She dances and does tiktoks. She has a really funny sense of humor. She is stubborn, hard working and really messy. She actually is my mini me. Even though she does not want to admit that. It will feel very lonely knowing she will not be coming in the door everyday after school. However, I will not have 8 pairs of shoes by the door to trip over. I will not have to yell at her to clean her room. There will be no more turf on the floor from her soccer cleats. No more long rides to soccer tournaments where I came back with a lot less money in my pocket and was exhausted. I will have a really clean house. I won’t get in my car and have to drive right to a gas station since I am on empty. No more being woken up at 12:30 am for a ride home. A lot of changes. So I connect to my breath again. Staying in the present moment. Staying in the emotion. Connecting to my body.

Through my breathwork I am able to process all these difficult emotions that I am experiencing. One of the revelations that came through to me when doing my breathwork is new beginnings. There is some excitement for what will happen in my life and I get to witness all the wonderful and exciting things Emily will be experiencing. I look forward to going to visit her at college and see what the future will bring for both my kids. 

Gratitude keeps showing up as well. I never took all the time I had with my kids for granted. I will embrace the change. I am so lucky and grateful to be her mom. Life is not over. It is just different. It might even be great.